This post marks 23 days since I said goodbye to my Robin. On October 13, 2017, I had to take my cat into the vet for the last time and lay her to rest. I held her in my arms, telling her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Thanking her for all the years of her friendship, unconditional love and companionship. She was an almost constant figure in my life for almost 17 years. I feel like a part of me is missing; as if someone reached into my chest and pulled out my heart. It’s like losing a child in many ways because she was my baby. So, now that some time has passed, I wanted to write a little bit about her.
Robin came into our lives on January 20, 2001. She was a little pistol…quiet and sweet. She ran the house like a queen. At first her name was Jewel, then “Little Bitch.” Yeah, my sense of humor at that point…but then she stole my mom’s work badge. I called her a little Robin Hood and she just looked at me with this pointed look., as if saying that was her name. She was Robin Hood – Robin for short – ever since. That year, I got sick… very sick. I was life flighted from our hometown to Salt Lake City and put on life support for almost a week. In total, I was in the hospital for three weeks. When I got out, I was still in recovery. I couldn’t do a lot because my muscles had atrophied and I was pretty weak. She watched TV with me. She would sit on the couch leaning against my side or laying on my stomach. We became inseparable… Where I went, she followed. And sometimes I would go get her for cuddles. All I had to do was say “come on!” and she would trot down the hall, tail in the air and we’d cuddle while watching TV. Later, after I was recovering from my surgeries for cancer and the after treatment, she wouldn’t leave my side. She’d lay in bed watching TV with me, movies, TV shows, talking to me… While I was in school, she would even “try” to help me with my homework. We had some interesting discussions on those days.
Fast forward in time to last year around this time. She started peeing on me in her sleep. We thought it was just an infection, and then she seemed to pull through it. We had debated on taking her to the vet, but the vet is expensive (more expensive than human doctors), so we put it off… a call we all regret now. She rallied and still did the things she liked. She would cuddle with me. She would sit on my keyboard while I worked (or tried to work). She still liked to eat yogurt when I ate it…out of a spoon mind you. I never had a furbaby do that before. It was cute and interesting. I could feed her just about anything from a spoon.
Looking back, I saw so many signs that her kidneys were failing, but didn’t know what they meant. We all just thought she was getting older and had cataracts or failing eye sight. We didn’t know that her staring at nothing or having cloudy eyes meant she was sick. She hid it well. We had no clue she wasn’t feeling good until I was petting her in her favorite spot on the dryer in the clean clothes basket and noticed she was drooling a foul smelling liquid.
On September 30, 2017, my family took Robin to the Vet to find out what was wrong with her. She wasn’t eating by that time; she would look like she wanted to but then would turn her head away. She was also still drooling, and now hovering over her water dish listlessly. She was still sleeping with me, but she started peeing in her sleep again, so I had to sleep with a special blanket between us to catch it. When we took her in, we were told that she had Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Renal Failure and that while it might look bad, there was still hope and still treatment options for her. They didn’t mention “euthanasia.” They didn’t suggest the worst. They never did. Although they sent us home with kidney food and hope, that was all. It wasn’t until later that I found out what she should have been sent home with:
1. Diet change to Kidney food
2. Anti-nausea medicine for her high phosphorous levels.
3. Pepcid AC (antacid) to completely eliminate the acid in her stomach.
4. An appetite stimulant to get her eating again.
We were given none of these things the first visit, and by the time we took her back to another vet four days later, it was almost too late. The doctor didn’t even run her numbers. He immediately took her back to the hospital in the office and put her on fluids. She was in there until the next Monday. It was so hard to not have her there with us…to not be able to be there to pet her or talk to her. To not be there to let her know that we love her, and coax her into eating. Even just to talk to her. She was sent home that Monday with very little hope and the message that she would probably not last out the rest of the year.
That’s when I turned to a friend for comfort. In my fear, I turned to her for comfort, friendship, and support. I had just gotten the news and was still processing it. I was in tears and in a lot of pain. I was losing my best friend, and when I turned to a “friend” to talk to about it, I faced nothing but judgments. A harsh “reality check” that, in her opinion, I have been lacking. I hear her words in my head and it just makes things worse. Within four days of bringing Robin home, of having a mediocre hope that she’ll be okay and pull through, she wasted away. Her legs gave out on her sometime in the middle of the night on the 12th going into the morning of the 13th of October… I found her on her back at the foot of my bed. We had decided to try to get more food in her and to see what we could do to help her be comfortable until the end, but that never happened. She had rallied herself the night before but now she was barely able to lift her head. She had foul smelling drool and a rusty discharge on her chin. At first I just thought she was weak from hunger and needed help with her feeding, or she wanted water and couldn’t find the strength to get to it; but then I noticed that she was bleeding from her mouth. It was too early in the morning to take her back into the vet, so I laid with her in my bed, on her special blanket, wrapped up like a little cat taco in case she was cold. I lay face to face with her for hours, looking into her eyes, just talking to her. I kept falling asleep and waking myself up, because I was afraid that if I fell asleep, she would try to do something and hurt herself before I could stop her. I cuddled with her, talking to her. Letting her know what a good friend she had been and how beautiful she was to me. I kept repeating the same thing I have always told her, “You are the most beautiful cat in the world, baby girl! When God made you, he broke the mold! There is no other baby like you…” over and over. She seemed to find comfort in my talking to her and it kept her calm. But then she started moaning, I completely lost my composure. My parents and brother were in the room with me. I said that she was moaning and there wasn’t anything I could do to help her. I told my dad, “Daddy, I can’t do anything about it. What do I do?” I haven’t called him “Daddy” in years.
At 1:30 pm, we made the final decision that it was time to say goodbye forever. My parents and brother agreed. We wrapped her up in her blankets and put her in the laundry basket she liked to sleep in. She had all of her favorite blankets and I had folded one over a little as if it were a pillow under her head. She laid there, moaning periodically. I sat next to her as we drove the rental car to the vet, and when we got there, I signed the paper for her to be put to sleep. I couldn’t even fill out the whole thing; only that we wanted to bury her. Then I went into the room with her and waited for the vet to come in and join us. She said she agreed with our decision. That it was the hardest one and that it was time. They took her in the back and put in a catheter to make it easier for us all, then brought her back into the room. My dad said goodbye to her and then left the room. He couldn’t stay. My brother petted her and didn’t leave until the room was too crowded. They sat me on a chair in the room and brought her to me. I held her in my arms for the last time. Telling her how much she meant to me, trying to let her know it was going to be okay. That she was going to be with Soxx and Baby again and I would see her in the future when it was my time.
This was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. She was like a child to me. I can’t have kids in my RL so she was my kid. My heart hurts. I can’t sleep. I struggle through the day. I’m up one minute, sad and crying the next. I feel angry towards the vet, especially the first one… Angry at myself because I didn’t insist we take her in the first time she started peeing on me in her sleep. I’ve been going through all the stages of grief and then some. Some people might think that she was “just a cat,” but she wasn’t. She was my best friend for almost 17 years. And yes, while I know she would have left me before I was ready, it is still so hard because I feel cheated. I feel like I didn’t really get a chance to say goodbye or to give her the final rest she deserved. She was my companion, my best friend for so long, through everything from illnesses to school to just being by my side. Now I have to struggle to find a way to live without her in my life and get through this.
And that is the story of how my world got turned upside down in the Month of October. Friday the 13th has a new meaning for me. It was the day my world fell apart.
My outfit: I’m ringing in the Autumn season with the DWL jeans from Blueberry and Ava sweater from Erratic. Paired with ankle boots from Mesh Agency, a suede bag from Zenith and soft driving gloves from Maddict. Topped off with Exile Snow Fall hair, you have an ensemble to ring in the season.
Mesh Head: .LeLutka.Head.Simone 3.0
Mesh Body: Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara V4.1
Mesh Hair: Exile:: Snow Fall (L)
Mesh Eyes: IKON Charm Eyes – Denim
Bento Shape: [ west end ] Sue Shape (Lelutka Simone Bento Head)
Top: erratic / ava – sweater / hearts (maitreya)
Bottom: Blueberry – DWL Jeans – Boot Cut Jeans – Maitreya
Shoes: ::Mesh Agency:: SOFIA Ankle Boots – Maitreya
Bag: :Moon Amore: Ohana Bag
Scarf: =Zenith=long scarf -Maitreya
Gloves: Maddict Driving Glove – Light Brown – Maitreya
Standing Picture: Voir – BENTO (Almost) STILL AO for curvy girls
Sitting Pictures: Poses in the chairs
1. Snuggles Forest – This beautiful location brings romance to life. Go solo or bring a date, keep it PG as per their rules, but this place is beautifully done. At the moment, it is an autumn theme.
2. Decidious – This sim is pretty and set in an autumn season. When you land, you find yourself in a café. There’s a lot to see on this sim, including an art exhibit that was interesting, even if I didn’t quite “get it.” Be sure to stop by and explore a bit. It’s perfect for an autumn themed picture.